Since becoming a mother almost two years ago, it’s been tough.
Motherhood is not for the faint of heart guys! One thing is for certain though, boundaries are one of, if not the only, ways to stay sane as a parent.
Now I’m not saying that motherhood has made me a pushover, but it’s really been tough setting boundaries for myself and for those around me.
Setting boundaries
Ok let’s look at it like this. Do you:
- Say “yes” even when you don’t want to?
- Hate letting people down?
- Struggle with making decisions you otherwise wouldn’t have a problem making?
- Feel a ton of mom guilt when taking care of yourself?
- Avoid speaking up when your feelings are hurt?
If any of the above statements is true for you, then my darling, you need to start setting some boundaries!
Saying no
A mom friend (let’s call her Jamie) and I were talking the other day when I received a phone call.
The person calling was someone who, whenever they called, it’s to vent to me about some miscarriage of justice or something bad that happened to her (she is always calling me about something negative).
I ignored the call. I wasn’t about to let her spoil my mood.
Jamie was shocked at my indifference and not answering the call, especially since the person called twice.
I explained to Jamie that I would call her back when I was mentally ready to talk to her.
Self-reflection
This person once had easy access to me and my life, which wasn’t helpful to me or my mental state at all.
I only realized this when I was in my fourth trimester and was experiencing postpartum depression.
This person knew I just had a baby (in a whoooole pandemic mind you), but never called to check up on me or find out how I was feeling.
Each call made to me was to vent about something bad that happened. I became her personal crutch.
It was only when my husband spoke up about it and upon self-reflection, I realized that I needed to set boundaries.
Building fences
When I think about boundaries, I remember what Bono told Cory and Troy in the notorious play, Fences by August Wilson (if you ever did English Literature in school, you would know this play lol)
“Some people build fences to keep people out and other people build fences to keep people in”.
Setting boundaries (like a fence), means not giving people easy access to all of you.
I’m sure you would have noticed in some neighbourhoods, fences are basically non-existent and people can go back and forth between each other’s properties without needing to ask for permission.
Meanwhile in other neighbourhoods, the walls are 10 feet tall, they’ve got cameras, guard dogs, etc.
I think it’s important to find the middle ground in between these two extremes.
Looing after you
So how am I setting boundaries?
Firstly, you don’t need to create boundaries. Boundaries are already inside of you.
I mean, you know your likes and dislikes, your preferences, your limits.
You just need to re-recognize them, accept them and be more vocal about them.
We can’t expect others to respect our boundaries if we don’t have any.
Work in progress
For me, it’s definitely been a work in progress – and a tough one at that if I’m being completely honest – but here are a few things to remember.
- You must be comfortable saying “no” and disappointing others sometimes: There will be times when you need to choose between yourself and your mental health and pleasing others. There’s a difference between being selfless and avoiding conflict.
- Create boundaries with consequences (for your child) and enforce them: Children have a way of pushing your limits and they will forget your rules if you don’t reinforce them. Continuously enforce those boundaries with your child to keep them respected and they will learn from you how to set boundaries of their own as well.
- Setting boundaries isn’t easy: Just when you feel some sort of relief, a hurricane may come try to destroy what you’ve built. Keep grounded and hold firm in those boundaries. Your peace of mind needs it!
