You may have seen our article on parenting styles, where we discussed the four main styles and the features of each.
Now we are going to get into heated territory on a debate that has been raging for quite some time.
Many gentle parents are either getting mislabeled as permissive or ‘push-over’ parents, or are leaning more into permissive parenting than they realize.
However, while the two styles of parenting share many similarities, there is one main bottom line difference: level of accountability and consequences.
Authoritarian parenting
I am a gentle/authoritative parent and it took me some time to really find a balance in my parenting alongside discipline and support.
Like most of us, I grew up in an authoritarian (or West Indian) upbringing and so naturally the Inherited Parent Toolbox as I like to call it, was already filled with tools and templates on how to parent, love, support and discipline.
The tools with which I was entering parenthood were those of my parents and their parents before that.
I had:
- Lix
- Shame and humiliation
- Removal of dear things to me
- Emotional Manipulation and no room for compromise.
New parenting toolbox
Sound familiar ?
In my re-parenting journey, I was not comfortable with these tactics and so I had to acquire an entire new Parenting Toolbox that was filled with some alternative supports.
I think that sometimes when we haven't been given certain rights and privileges as children and we felt unheard, it can be challenging to give them to our kids.
And something I think may be part of the problem with permissive parenting is that sometimes in trying to give them the opposite of what you endured, we end up overcompensating.
Boundaries
And in doing so, we can become a pushover at times without firm boundaries.
I was also so fearful of passing on any trauma that still lived in me.
After doing more research, healing and chatting with many gentle parents, I was able to implement:
- Discipline and NOT punishment: Working through why something was wrong and how we can problem-solve together to do better in the future
- Natural consequences without additional shame: Not belittling tiny humans for mistakes that we make all the time at our ‘big ole age’
- Compromise: Listening to understand and not just respond
- Listening: Holding space for my child and I to experience those hard and loud emotions.
Permissive parenting
So essentially the difference for us gentle parents is that while we have high levels of acceptance like that of a permissive parent, we also have high levels of accountability.
Most of the time, permissive parenting means allowing our children to do as they please.
A permissive parent might let their children do whatever they want in order to stop them crying.
They hold the belief that children will, as they get older, learn to behave appropriately on their own.
Misconceptions
As a result, permissive parents provide very little direction.
Even when they do make a few rules, they don't do much to make sure they are followed.
Sometimes, like mentioned before, permissive parents can believe that saying "no" to their children will have a significant negative effect.
As a result, because parents don't think it's appropriate to stop or confront their children, this parenting style makes it easy for children to get away with bad behavior.
Gentle parenting
Gentle parenting is distinguished by investing a great deal of time, effort, and concern in ensuring that the child acquires the necessary skills to become a happy and responsible adult.
Rules are established with great care by parents, and they aim for these rules to be understood and followed by children.
This approach to parenting is based on love, respect, and empathy.
Mutual respect
Children's feelings and expectations are taken into consideration.
Typically, parents sit with their children, listen to them, and explain the rules of the family.
They use positive discipline to teach their children empathy and the necessary social skills.
Not everyday or every time we will get it right and be the best parents to our tiny humans. But trying makes the world of a difference!
Hang in there guys! It aint easy!
