When I introduce myself, I usually start with 'Hello I am Sharon and I have three kids whose ages are all 10 years apart!'
Talk about a conversation starter. I usually get questions along the lines of 'why did you do that', or 'how do you manage?'
Or the most common, 'does the eldest helps with the younger ones?'
The latter is really where the conversation starts, as managing children is already challenging, but having them with such big age gaps can be a nightmare.
5 tips for setting healthy parental boundaries
So, how do I manage my kids - especially when there is a 20-year age gap between the first and last?
I have learnt to set healthy boundaries both for the children to engage with each other and for when they have to engage with me.
One of the many lessons that I have learnt over the years is that children, like adults, need to learn and understand what they can and cannot do.
Setting the rules
Understanding the rules and the consequences of not following said rules prepares a child for the future.
Boundaries are essentially to understand and respect our own needs, while being respectful and understanding of the needs of others.
And it's essential that we understand that for that to work, we need to place emphasis on helping children and adults develop greater empathy and awareness.
Caribbean parenting
As a parent and more so a Caribbean parent, I have been socialised to parent using an authoritarian style, which holds the child to higher expectations and the parent to be accountable.
However, it has been my experience that this method seldom works, especially when we need to establish boundaries.
The analogy “do as I say and not as I do” will no longer suffice; we need to look at ourselves acknowledging that we are firstly individuals requiring love and guidance so we can take that approach when setting boundaries with our children.
Train the trainer
We need to re-train and re-evaluate so that we can reach our kids with empathy.
I have never been afraid to apologise to my children when I am wrong or have made a mistake.
I remember a friend of mine being in total awe when I apologised to my daughter in her presence, because it's seemingly seldom done.
I, however believe that we are all individuals worthy of love and respect, and when love and respect are shown openly, they are given openly.
Expectation vs reality
- Set realistic expectation of yourself: Believe me, I know that it is difficult to see your child struggle, you love them and simply want the best for them. Let's think about it this way, what will happen if you do everything and don’t allow your child to take responsibility for their own actions? In setting realistic expectations, you have to know what are your values and where do stand on issues. This is not always easy to define, but it’s so important that your child knows and understands you. Make a list of what you
expect from yourself in relation to your children. Think about what you can and can’t live with, identify those issues/situations that matter to you and those that are your direct responsibility. Ensure that everyone know what you will “allow” and what you will not and how far you will go. - Take time to understand and express your emotions: Far too often, we are straddled with an image of an overly emotional mother, but expressing your emotions is an important part of parenting. Let your children know if something they did hurt or affected you and then allow the child to apologies for his/her actions. This should be done in a calm loving environment, where both parties can have an opportunity to speak their truth. Understanding your emotions and what are your triggers are important for your mental health as it allows you to identify your own limitations and set boundaries that protect you.
- Know when it's time to step away: Sometime parents have a hard time holding on to themselves and their boundaries even though they know it’s in their children’s best interest. This can happen because we are simply tired and worn out. We all have bad days, moments when we give in under the pressure. Nobody, no parent is perfect. Instead of beating yourself up for this, know when it's time to step away. It is important that you take time to build your resilience by getting more sleep, exercise or changing the focus from the children to yourself. Try not to make stepping away a pattern when faces with a difficult situation – such a pattern can inadvertently lead to a whole host of other problems and difficulties.
- Know when to say NO: In many cases a simply NO will suffice. Not a full and lengthy explanation of
your decision. Once your children understand the boundaries that you have set for yourself and for them, a simply NO should be enough. Where there may be cases that an explanation would be required that should be an exception and not the norm. - Know where you stand and enforce it: Final word: When you know where you stand, you’ll know what you will and won’t put up with from your child. Define your boundaries and try to stick to your principles rather than reacting to your moment-to-moment emotions. If you let your thoughts and principles drive you, you won’t be so apt to let your emotions determine your parenting—and both you and your child will be happier for it.
