Every young woman or man pictures their future family with either girls or boys; naming them, dressing them, and even playing with them.
I was not an exception.
Having grown up in a home full of girls, I wished for the opposite.
I had names for my boys and had wanted two boys and one girl. I fantasized about dressing them, shaving their hair, and being the first love in their lives.
The reality
But things turned out to be totally different from my expectations.
When I got pregnant with my firstborn daughter, we did not want the gender revealed by the doctors.
My husband and I waited for our surprise and we were excited. Our daughter was born, and the excitement of being new parents overshadowed the much anticipated son.
We loved this beautiful girl with all our being. My husband especially adored her, but at the back of my mind, I still planned for the arrival of my much awaited son.
Baby number 2
I became pregnant with my second child and was sure it was a boy. I had friends who would tell me, "A sweet tooth is for a girl; you don’t have it, you are carrying a boy."
This raised my expectations. My husband and I shopped for boys' clothes and decided we would not have our baby’s gender revealed again.
When the time for giving birth came, the announcement came in, "It’s a girl!" For a moment, I was so quiet I couldn’t cry.
It's a girl
My husband was outside and was called in. He held his daughter and thanked God. On the other hand, I was disappointed and wanted to cry.
But when I held my precious girl in my hands, all the disappointment faded. I felt guilty for having these feelings of disappointment.
It’s like you really don’t know how to react.
I held my baby so lovingly and forgot about my son, who had not arrived. I excitedly shopped for my baby and gave away the boys' clothes.
Mixed feelings
Two years later, I became pregnant. A friend of mine had given me an old Chinese timetable that had tips on how to conceive a baby boy.
This time I had mixed feelings. I was afraid to raise my expectations too high.
I did not shop for "my son," but I prayed that my baby would be a boy.
My husband had traveled to a different town when labour kicked in. I had someone help me watch over my two daughters as I took myself to the hospital.
Amani
Then the familiar announcement came again, "It is a girl!" This time I couldn’t hold my tears.
I cried uncontrollably. The hospital called a counselor for me, who I felt didn’t understand me and didn’t help much.
But the cure came when I held my daughter. A different love filled my heart.
I rubbed her on my bosom, skin to skin, and the sorrow in my heart vanished.
Amani is her name. She is the most loved.
Family of five
At this point, I raised my eyes towards heaven and said, "God, thank you for these wonderful girls, enable me to love them.”
My husband was very supportive. I made the decision that I had enough children, and that we were a great family of five.
The baby bug
Three years later, my husband got the baby bug and convinced me to try again. I was very reluctant, but he got a lot of support from most family members, including my mum!
All of them convinced me I would have a son. Well, I conceived!
I kept a low profile and smiled every time someone said, "This time, bring home a boy," because I knew what all of this could lead to.
The day in the labour ward came, and I insisted my husband accompany me throughout the whole process.
I did not want to face any surprises alone this time.
It's a girl
The announcement came, "It’s a girl." My husband immediately grabbed our baby and thanked God.
He kept looking at me on the delivery couch and had this reassuring look.
My eyes and mouth just remained open. My husband understood.
He came over and put his hand around me and said, "You have done well, honey. We have a responsibility to take care of these lovely beauties.”
That day, he became my strength; I adored my little girl, but I broke down and cried several times at home.
It's not that I didn’t love my baby; I just felt disappointed. I didn’t know who I wanted to blame.
Appreciation
The day my mum and sister came in and we opened up about this subject was the day I decided to love and appreciate each of my daughters uniquely.
Their encouragement did me well. I am a happy mother of four beautiful girls, and I don’t miss being a mother of boys at all.
Mom guilt
Gender disappointment is real, but unfortunately, many parents feel guilty talking about these feelings.
If a parent confides in you about their feelings, avoid the following:
- Do not make light of their feelings: It is so frustrating when people around you think you are being petty and you should be over the moon that you have a baby!
- Don't guilt them: Avoid statements like "You should thank God, others do not have children" because they will feel even more guilty about their feelings.
Support circle
A mother going through gender disappointment needs a great circle of friends or family members to encourage her so she will come through.
The good news is these feelings of disappointment go away and they are valid because we are all human.
The Mommy Diaries is a monthly series in which Caribbean moms open up about their personal experiences and unique journeys to support, inform and inspire other moms.
