When I got pregnant, I immediately felt this huge responsibility towards my baby in terms of parenting.
I was very aware that the way we parent can have a long-term impact on their psyche, and shapes their personality.
Knowing that the first year of life is the most influential and is basically the foundation of a child’s emotional intelligence and brain development, I started reading about the different parenting styles and my intuition led me to Secure Attachment.
Secure Attachment Parenting
In the 1930’s, British Psychiatrist John Bowlby, the father of attachment theory, concluded in his research that humans are wired to form deep emotional attachments and that babies are born with an innate need to attach to a main figure.
This helps them to survive and thrive.
A baby comes into this world seeking love, connection and security. And as their primary caregivers, us moms intuitively provide all this by responding to their needs, attuning to them, reading their cues and making sure they can rely on us to feel safe in the world around them.
A special bond
Attachment parenting is a long process of bonding, attunement, availability and delight between the caregiver and the child.
It is the emotional bond that develops within the child as a result of the caregiver’s ability to read and respond to their cues in a correct, consistent and predictable way.
Securely attached children feel confident that their caregiver is available to co-regulate their emotions, meet their needs and act as the safe base from which they can explore the world.
This sense of delight in exploration and independence can only be developed once the child has already felt held, loved and safe and once they fully trust that their caregiver is present to welcome them back in times of need for comfort or reassurance.
Every baby is unique
As my baby was born, it was so important for me to observe her, read her signals and understand her cues in order to be able to respond to her needs.
Every baby is different and I believe we need to be responsive to their specific needs accordingly.
Whether it’s feeding, being held, feeling tired or needing support to sleep, I responded to her needs in a gentle, warm and loving way.
Actually, the intention and quality of responsiveness are what matters most in order to create a securely attached child.
I am there to soothe her when she feels dysregulated as this will be the foundation for her ability to self-soothe as she grows. It will also teach her to co-regulate other people in her life as an adult.
I am there to feed her and I chose to exclusively breastfeed as I believed it would foster greater closeness through touch and skin to skin.
I am there to support her to sleep as babies are not physiologically capable of sleeping alone until a certain age.
I responded to every one of her night wakes and I also did contact napping in a baby carrier or on my chest as it was, at times, the optimal way for longer naps.
Independence and setting boundaries
It is important to know that being attuned to your baby’s needs also means giving them space to explore freely when they want.
On the other hand, it can sometimes mean setting a necessary boundary and supporting your child’s emotions about this boundary warmly and confidently.
I truly believe that in the early years, dependence is the foundation for healthy independence, autonomy and high self-esteem.
The secure base
At 14 months old, I can already see signs of secure attachment. She loves to explore any new environment freely with no fear knowing that I, “the secure base”, am there when she needs me.
She also is very easily calmed and soothed.
We shouldn’t as parents be concerned about the child being clingy or needing us too much.
Being able to turn to our caregivers for love, comfort and connection when needed is what defines us as human beings.
The Mommy Diaries is a monthly series in which Caribbean moms open up about their personal experiences and unique journeys to support, inform and inspire other moms.
