This parenting thing isn't easy, not least because of the weight of knowing you're responsible for shaping the people your kids turn out to be.
And one of the biggest factors in their development is how we speak to them and the language and phrases we use.
There's generally no ill intent behind a lot of what we say as parents; we just use simple every day phrases that perhaps our parents used with us.
But psychotherapist Amy Morin has highlighted seven common phrases that all parents use which can actually be damaging our kids.
“All parents do these things sometimes or say them occasionally,” Amy told CNBC Make It.
“But that’s an opportunity to then teach your kids how you learn from your mistakes, how you can grow and change, do things differently.”
7 things you should never say to your kids
- Calm down: You shouldn't tell your child to change how they're feeling, because that's encouraging them to suppress their emotions. A better approach would be: “It looks like you’re really angry right now”, and then suggest they do something that helps them to calm down.“Teach them what to do when you’re angry,” Morin says.
- Don’t worry about it: Again, you’re telling them how to feel. A better way is to teach them what to do when they’re worried.
- You’ll do fine: While it’s important to encourage your kids, this one can make them afraid of telling you if things don’t work out as they’d hoped. Instead, tell them to simply do their best, and that you will deal with it together regardless of the outcome.
- Don’t ever let me catch you doing that again: Though reprimanding bad behaviour is necessary, this phrase only teaches them to avoid getting caught, and can encourage sneakiness rather than better behaviour. Instead, try: “You’re going to do this again, and you’re going to be tempted to hide it and cover it up. Here’s what we could do instead.”
- You’re the best: It may sound supportive, but saying this can actually put a lot of pressure on kids to be better than everyone else in order to be deserving of praise. “These are the kids that end up cheating when they get a bit older, because they think that’s what is most important to Mom or Dad — to be the best, rather than to be the nice kid or the honest kid,” she explains, saying that you should praise the work they put into something instead of the end result.
- That’s perfect: This can be unhealthy for your child, so it's better to praise their effort, rather than the outcome.
- You’re making me mad: Saying that your children’s actions are making you feel a certain way can lead to manipulative behaviour, and doesn’t help them process their own role in what’s happened. They can end up “blaming other people for making them mad, for ruining their day, for causing them to feel horrible all of the time.” Instead try: “I don’t like your behaviour right now,” or “I don’t like the way that you’re acting, here’s what we could do instead”.
